As a lot of you have witnessed in my letter, which can be read here, I have been having trouble with my mom. Guess what, guys, it just went from bad to total hell. I am a strong person, and this is a good trait of mine, that I am strong enough to even go through a funeral of my second-mother without crying. But right now, it appears that I have broken, and I have to write about it. Mom and I got into it, yet again. This was so bad, I am not joking. It got me to the point of crying, and just had to keep my hands busy which resulted in me doing my laundry and cleaning up my bathroom.
I don’t have much time, because I have to be at Walmart soon. But this is how the fight went:
I was preparing a delicious meal with a smile on my face and I was joking around. Typical, I was in a great mood. Then, mom came in and took over the stove, saying that hers wouldn’t take long. I was like, “Okay, I hardly eat as is, and you are delaying it?” But I shrugged and said I would wait. Then, she took her time to issue me with taking out the trash, picking up all the trash around the house. Okay, I didn’t take it out yesterday because I wasn’t very fond of having my butt struck by lightning. Yeah, I find that excuse reasonable. She started going on about how this house is always in a mess.
Jee, I wonder why. I am always in my room, eating and drinking in here and cleaning up my mess. So, I wonder whose trash I had to pick up, whose dishes I had to wash. (I know I am not being grammatically correct, but I could careless at this point). After I got all that done, mom and I got into a little spat about whether or not the trash was ready to go out. I don’t like to waste, so I was like, “Mom, look, you can still put stuff in there.” But no, she wanted it out. I told her I would take it out when it was full.
Then, the big fight came. I had only poured water into the pot to start my pasta. After having to do all that, having to witness mom blaming her crap on me, who would want to eat after that? I told her that I lost my appetite, and she told me to fix it anyway. It would have been a waste, so I told her that I would fix it when I was hungry again. She started yelling at me, telling me to put my things away, which I did, and then, she did the worst thing she could have ever done. She compared me to my brother. My brother gave her no respect, he did not give a crap about her, he cussed her out and treated her like dirt. I was silent, speechless. I haven’t been giving her an attitude. I really haven’t.
I have been stressed, this week is really hard on me. It is getting to the point where I just want to give up in life. What is the point of doing anything for someone when their foot is hurting or whatever, or just out of kindness, when you are not even treated like a human? I am graduating! Exams are flying at me! Calculus is getting about impossible. I have taken her crap for so many years, not even realizing that she was treating me so low. I am a smart girl, talented, and I have been scarred permanently by her and my ex-step-dad to thinking that I am only useful around the house, and not smart, not good looking. I want to be confident, but it is wasted down the drain.
After having to deal with this crap for most of my life, I have opened my eyes. (Which are now full of tears, and I can barely see, haha.) I don’t know what to do, but I have to get away. I can’t handle being treated like this. I am about to crack, and really, I don’t have the heart to do anything. I can’t tell her what’s wrong. I can’t… I have suffered for mom’s financial issues, and I have gone almost three months without contacts. I have them now, thank the good Lord. I am in need of serious medicine for my Endometriosis. I need to go to the doctor for my constant pains. Yet, there is no way to pay for it, there is no way to get there without a car, because she hasn’t tried to do anything.
She spends all day on the phone, on Facebook, and makes me do all these little things, and those things pile up. They have for the past almost two decades. I apologize guys for having you all read this, but I had to get it out somewhere. That is just a little of what I go through each day. That is not as bad as my past as been, granted I even know what being homeless is like. So, if I am slow on things, I am sorry. I can’t RP or do anything in this state of mind. It should return somewhat to normal…within a few hours or weeks. Thanks for taking the time for even reading this.
PS: Had to add this part it. She topped the day with the big cherry of confidence. She accuses me of being on drugs. Okay, I didn’t know I had the symptoms (weight loss, change of attitude so she says) but what the hell? Would I not be doing bad in school and going out to do the drugs? Sheesh. No wonder I am such a meanie. I am on drugs. *rolls eyes* If her actions were drugs, man, take me away! >_<
I am not my brother. Sure, he might be clean now, so he says, but ew! Okay, so when I blew up when you asked that question might not have been a smart thing on my part, but hey, doing something as low as that? No way! I will pass that drug test with a negative (whichever means that you don’t have drugs in your system) with ease. Do it. Lovely to see how she really thinks of me. An honors druggie who is also a slave.
Such a confidence booster right there. /sarcasm